Answers, Answers, Answers! Vol. 2

Lines of what?????

--Christy Lesnett
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
United States of Non-Fake America



To begin, some haiku:

i am quite content
i eat candy through my nose
then my heart explodes

blessed coca plant
from which goodness is derived
my gardener rocks

blood-brain barrier
those sweet granules do transcend
i can see through time

Furthermore:

Rhino-rooter! Funky Flour! Grampa John's Olde-Tyme Toothache Remedy! The northbound trip on I-20-dollar-bill to Snort Collins! Bogotá Booger Brightener! Unicorn dandruff! Ike! Daddy's 3Q Bonus! Commodities trader fuel! The ultimate motivational speaker! DeLorean Dust! Little Johnny's College Tuition! Parmesan Sneeze! Midland potting soil! Robin Williams' Pallid Ex-Boyfriend! That Silver Hanging Balls Perpetual Motion Toy Thingie In Powder Form!

It's coke, dearest Christy. Coke is what that guy in the Oompa Loompa costume really snorted off my left boob that night. Telling you it was Pixy-Stix(tm) was a half-truth; that's what it was cut with, I think, judging by the grape smell, and the fact that the last time I blew my nose the tissue animated itself and began booty-dancing to Tori Amos' Raspberry Swirl.

But I swear this is a hand-rolled candy cigarette.



All of my tubeworm friends make fun of the fact that I'm not as good as they are at creating cyanide compounds from filter feeding near deep ocean vents. What should I do?

--Bill
Marianas Trench

Tsk tsk. Those are the breaks, Bill. Life ain't fair. I've parodized a song for you, one from an animated feature whose rights are owned by a conglomerate that could buy and sell the both of us, buy us back at a 10% markup, then part us out just for the thrill of it.

Under the sea
under the sea
In trou-ble we're rich,
life's a shit sand-wich,
take it from me!

Under the sea,
under the sea!
Good luck is flee-ting,
so check your blea-ting
un-der the seaaa...

You can flip moods like a switch,
so suck it up, you Nancy bitch!
Pick up the slack, you
be-fore I rack you
UN-DER THE SEEEeeA!

You're kinda screwed in the compounds department, but keep your venthole up: We gotta do the best we can with what we've got, 'cause we're stuck with the billions of bacteria we sucked into our guts when we were young and had everything goin' for us. Your choices in your youth do have a lasting effect on your future, after all. The ol' organ pipes down at the Coral Reef Bar & Grill are mean for razzing you, sure, but life ain't fair. Maybe they knew all the right microbes. Maybe they got lucky and grew up close to some shark feces. Maybe Aquaneisha, Sassy Soul Goddess of the Sea, simply wants you to suffer.

I just don't know.

But listen up, kid. You think you got it bad? You think you got it bad?! My friend Frank, right, is a hydra not too far from your neck of the woods. Frank, despite reproducing asexually, has suffered numerous gay-bashings.

I don't know, man. Life in the underwater is tough.

SO KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, SHUT YOUR YAP
OR I WILL HAVE TO BUST A CAP--

Shit, I just got sued.

FRESH TRI-BU-LATION, PEN-DING LI-TIGA-TION
UNDER THE SEEEEEAAAAaaaaa....

....I recommend poetry or breaking into song (something public domain, preferably).


Is porn bad?
--Fugu

Man, you sea creatures love you some Mr. Cargo, don't you? Before I know it I'm going to be hosting a talk show and settling personality conflicts between co-dependent clownfish/anemone couplings and dodging chairs thrown by ghetto electric eels. "Hey, I'm a Portuguese Man-O-War, and I've grown weary of just floating along the sea, immobilizing small fish and miscellaneous creatures with my numerous poison stingers. I hear stories all the time about divers and surfers getting stung to death, yet all I get is sardines and plankton and shrimp -- the crumbs of the sea! When's my mammal going to come in? Man, one big score and I'd never have to actively float around waiting for miscellaneous creatures ever again. I could just live a lazy life of leisure and never have to worry about where my next meal's going to come from. Cargo, help me get rich with your time-tested, award-winning No-Dendrites-Down system!

Wait, that's not right. Eh.

Let me tell you something, Fugu: I am going to call myself Ricki Lagoon and contend with Jerry Hot-Springer and Oceanprah for the daytime talk ratings.

"Yes. Here I've got with me a creature that can paralyze a human being in a half-hour's time then make his heart explode. He is not at all concerned about containing startling amounts of neurotoxin, instead focusing his attention on porn... though he didn't say what kind of porn. He didn't ask about clown porn or monkey porn or stop-motion foodstuffs porn or even candy porn (Oh, for the days of Gumiman) -- so I don't really know how to answer.

Therefore, I will drop 50 random kinds of porn, written on rejected fortune cookie slips, into a hat and review one selection from this porn genre for this entry, to answer this in the most effective way possible."

Tonight's fortune: A karate chop to the face is just a hug lost in translation.

Tonight's movie: Caramel-Wrestling Furry Fox Kabuki Theatre 14

Tonight's lucky numbers: 5 17 8 13 42 9

..............Wow.

My answer for you, Mr. Poisonous Japanese Delicacy, is this:

Porn is not bad. Porn is bad-ass.*

Ask Mr. Cargo!




* May not apply to all porn