Vol. 7: Riding Coach on the Physical Plane

Why won't my eczema go away?
--Matthew Harris
Portland, Oregon USA

Dearest Matthew:

LONG ANSWER:
You haven't sent me any money lately.

See, the way things get done for you, I have learned, is to send somebody money and sit on your ass in anticipation of goodness onset, especially if that somebody has a direct neurological satellite uplink to their god/goddess/idol/being/Pay-Per-View channel of choice. My deity happens to be Deity #4a638, whose wavelengths I, and only I, share.

Deity #4a638 has not gender nor genitalia. Deity #4a638 has not good will nor ill. Deity #4a638 only wants for the physical existence of all who currently physically exist and will in the future, continued life functions for all who currently biologically exist, and non-itchy, intact skin for those who possess it or have the potential to.

That includes pudding and entities near, containing, or consisting of, pudding, which is the Good Deity's snack cup of choice.

But wait, there's more! Deity #4a638 has just beamed itself directly into my brain and told me that your path to dermal salvation is to become a 638 Club Platinum Shield Charter Club member by gracing my being with an initial donation of $100 or more and agreeing to a modest monthly gift to Nicholas Cargo Ministries and Discount Theremin Repair by credit card, check, EFT, baklava, Yorkshire pudding, flan (check with your local Layered Cakes, Jiggly Desserts and Gelatin-Based Confections Exchange for current conversion rates), Quest Card, paper currency, prostitutes, those flattened bear rugs naked babies get photographed on, or the barter system (wink, wink!!).

Only then will your dermis be blessed at the proper spiritual frequency; Deity #4a638's matter-of-fact, invisible, yet completely actual celestial sine waves will surround you and bake you inside the searing spiritual kiln required to harden and cure your beautiful outer glaze in order to mitigate flaking and cracking that would otherwise occur.

That's right, Good Mr. Harris: While the other preachers are out there mining for diamonds, attempting to murder government officials through prayer, persecuting everyone else for any reason they please, snorting speed off a manly mountain masseur's mighty and magnificent meatstaff, selling protein shakes, impersonating White House-appointed diplomats in Latvia, secretly posing as 15-year-old girls on their MySpace pages, picketing gay people's funerals, drinking so heavily that the tears they cry at night smell and taste precisely like Drambuie, and videotaping themselves pushing the elderly and sick onto the floor by bopping them on the forehead...

This preacher, as a bringer of Deity #4a638's neutral but existent and substantial graces, simply wants you to physically exist, continue life functions, and have a dapper dermis!

Also, send me money and/or stuff so that I can, uh, pass it on to Deity #4a638 so it knows who to whom it shall direct special neutral energy fields.

I mean, Deity #4a638 thinks of all living beings, pudding, and pudding-adjacent, as cool and all, but it never hurts to put in a good word with the "Entity in the Box Seats".

Just saying, is all.

Here's what I'd like you to do in the time between now and when you've got your check (or payment equivalent) in the mail:

ONE) Open your checkbook and kneel on top of it, preferably inside your living space. A public park or crowded town square is also acceptable, weather permitting.

TWO) Raise an open pudding cup in a north-northwesterly direction.

TROIS) Repeat after me, at the top of your lungs, at least thrice:

DEITY! ATTENTION, PLEASE: MY PORES FEEL FULL OF BEES. SHELLAC ME WITH SINE WAVES AND TAKE OFF MY FEAR, GUY; FOR I'M A GRAVY BOAT WITH PUDDING CUP NEARBY!

If you are in a hotel, motel or apartment, I suggest at least ten times, because there's a lot more air and building material to get through, and you want to make positively sure Deity #4a638 can pick up your vibrations properly.

D) Don't forget to send money, gifts or other offerings (hedge those bets, mofo!) to:

Deity #4a638
c/o Cargo Ministries and Discount Theremin Repair
PO Box FAKE
Denver, CO 8020...FAKE
USA


SHORT ANSWER:
You need to be encased in sound and baked so your outer shell can cure properly.


ASK MR. CARGO!